Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Whatever Wednesday - Biggest Heartbreak
Wow, Shay and Alissa really took it up a notch today. Okay maybe it was Alissa...but whatever. I've thought and thought about the topic since it arrived in my inbox on Monday. One thing really stood out in my mind, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it. It's not something that I normally tell people, mostly it just makes for an awkward few minutes. But I thought, it's been almost almost 14 years, and I haven't cried about it in about 3 years, so here it goes.
This is about to get really personal, so if you don't want to know personal stuff about me, then stop reading.
Now where to start? I guess from the beginning. It all started with a hug. He had graduated already, and I was in the school admin office, for what reason I'm not sure. We had been working together for a few months and never really talked to each other, but when he saw me he smiled and gave me the biggest hug. That hug changed my life forever. We dated the rest of the school year and into freshman year of college. My parents of course were concerned we were too serious at such a young age. They told me that I need to see less of him during the summer before my sophomore year. This it turns out, while I hated them and thought they were ridiculous became a blessing. School started back up and we started talking again. We went on a couple of dates, things were picking back up where we left them 2.5 months ago. Wow this is harder then I thought it would be. Then one day I get The Phone Call from my best friend from high school. It was super early in the morning so I let it go to voicemail, who calls at 6:30am? She calls again, and again, leaving messages every time. I finally get up, I don't recall what time, maybe 8:30? I listen to her messages, the first one she's been crying, telling me to call her. The second time, she's a little more calm, and the third time, she's not crying. I figure her mom and her got into another fight, and by the third message she seemed okay, so I figured they had worked it out. I casually call her back. She bursts into tears and just spits it out, she tells me he, the one I thought I had forever with, the one that I had given space to for my parents so that when we got back together we knew that we had to be together, had died in a car accident the night before.
You know when you see those TV shows when people get really bad news and they scream and yell NOOO and drop to their knees? I always thought, that doesn't really happen in real life, but it does and it did to me. My 3 roommates knew something had happened to him, they all came running.
Life that year was a blur, it was like I was living outside of my body, watching me perform normal everyday activities, but not actually living them. I was getting school work back I didn't even remember doing, taking tests and getting them back that I didn't remember taking. Slowly the fog began to lift and by Junior year I was back to a new normal.
School was hard, I had worked so hard to get to where I was, and I begin wondering why? Why do I put so much effort into school when it can all be taken away just like that? I got a new outlook on life, have more fun, enjoy my friends more and be a little more carefree, totally cliche of my to say, but life is short, and if you don't live each day like it's your last, then what's the point? I made more of an effort to foster my friendships with friends, and to say yes when they were going out, instead of studying 24/7 (an engineering degree can do that to a person). I didn't have to have the best GPA, I was okay with average. I was going to take advantage of living with my 3 best friends and being young and being in college. And that's exactly what I did. I have no regrets from those years in college.
Turns out my parents summer ban on boyfriend was a blessing. I wasn't talking to him everyday, seeing him everyday, so it wasn't as huge of a hit after the accident. For a long while I just kept thinking, it's still summer, I'll talk to him next week, or I thought it was a cruel joke and that he would come waltzing around the corner at any moment. He never did. He will always have a piece of my heart, and will forever be a part of who I was and who I have become.